Am I an Imposter?

Impostor syndrome is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as an “impostor”.

I’m sitting in bed, being all grouchy, not wanting to talk to anyone around me, avoiding my friend’s calls, mindlessly watching ‘The Middle’ and going through the notifications on here and then I see IT. IT sends me spiraling into a world of thoughts, analyzing myself, wondering if I really know who I am – IT gets me wondering if I am an imposter.

Am I an imposter?

Is she an imposter?

It is no secret that I am still trying to find myself through all my mental health struggles that this crazy pandemic has set in. In the past 1 year I have changed personalities like 5 times, changing with every turn that this pandemic has taken. I believe there are a few underlying qualities that we developed when we were younger that don’t change through the ages but the rest of our personality traits keep changing, sometimes evolving and sometimes deteriorating. So who am I right now? What are my personality traits?

Far from the really nice comments and really sweet things that my blogging friends say about me (I don’t really know of the bad things people say about me on here – have you heard anything? Let me know in the comments!!!), I am a mixed bag of white and black (Yin and Yang). But let me try breaking down my character traits –

FIXED TRAITS

Traits that have remain unchanged through the many chapters of my life.

  • Loving – I think this is a trait that doesn’t change. When I love, I love with all my heart. (But also when I hate, I hate with all my heart :D)
  • Giving – I think I’m one of those people who just loves giving. Giving my time, my love, my things; just about anything that makes the other person happy. (Yeah, don’t ask me for a pony in the comments below. :P)
  • Introvert – I don’t like opening up to people. I find it very hard to tell people about me even my family and friends need to pry stuff out of me. (But turns out I like writing about it :D)
  • Social Anxiety – I do not like talking to new people – I just find it so hard to make small talk and just put an effort into conversing with someone new. (Every time I get a comment from someone new on here – I literally spiral)
  • Egoistic – I do have an ego when it comes to asking for help or admitting that I am wrong.
  • Bitchy – I’m not bitchy unless provoked. But my bitchy side is evil and scary – so beware!
  • Funny- I’m not sure if I am really funny but I do try hard to be funny.
  • Charming – Despite my many social misgivings, I can be very charming when I want to be. (I was a favourite with all my friends’ parents while growing up!)
  • Competitive – I love winning and I am a very sore loser! (Yeah, I cry after every loss!)

VARIABLE TRAITS

These are traits that come and go according to the season in my story. I’ll highlight the ones I am currently.

  • Anxious personality – Super anxious about everything. Even answering a call from an unknown number sends me spiraling.
  • Overthinking – I spend hours making up scenarios in my head that are never going to happen but that end up triggering my anxiety.
  • Unfriendly – Owing to my introvert nature, I am not the most friendly person as it is but in my off seasons I bite people’s head off if they try to be friendly with me
  • Underconfident – I really lack confidence sometimes. I can pretend to be the most confident person but inside I just lack faith in my self.
  • Seeking external approval – with under confidence comes the need for external approval from others. This happens very rarely but it does come and go.
  • Flirty – haha, when I’m in the mood, I can be a really good flirt
  • Loner – I really like being on my own some days. Like not see or talk to anyone for a few days. It helps recharge my internal social battery.
  • Hate getting compliments – I just don’t. I can’t. I’m trying to accept them when I get them but I just don’t like them. (to know more read my post: Am I Weird?)

(*These are not all my traits – there’s more but I picked the more dominant ones.)

I keep getting the feeling that my blogging persona and my real persona don’t match mainly because people don’t get to see my grouchy side on here which makes me feel like an imposter. So here I am clearing the air so I stop feeling like an imposter every time someone says something nice to me on here.

What triggered all this? My really sweet friend Micah did a post comparing her blog friends (including me) to her house plants and it is one of the sweetest things I’ve read on here and it overwhelmed me so much that it triggered these crazy thoughts. (I love you, Micah!) If you aren’t following Micah & Markus – go follow them now!

What are some traits that are different between your blogging persona and your real self?

For all those who don’t know me – Hi, this is me (this is from March’21)

Listen, you seriously need to do this NOW, go read my latest posts (😛) –

27 Comments Add yours

  1. Jas krish says:

    It is true…everyone has that other side ….some have more…. Every doesn’t get to see every trait of mine …maybe just the ppl who are really close may get get to see most but still may not be all…it is good to be as open as posdible but a few traits still remain hidden..Nice to see that you realise your strengths and weaknesses and more than that your public acceptance of especially the weaknesses..
    Stay blessed 🙏😇

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It is hard to show the entire side of you while blogging, because it’s basically words that people are going to be reading in their heads with a different set of voices each time. Honestly, don’t worry about it too much, I get the whole change in your qualities and your personality, it happens to everyone as we grow! ♥️

    Like

  3. I absolutely feel the same way at times!! Is my blogging persona really “me”?

    This post got me thinking, why is it a bad thing? Humans are so complex, and our brains are pretty freaking amazing. We have the ability to wear so many hats and take on so many feelings, and inevitably different environments will dictate that hat for the day. Maybe the “imposter” should be seen as a friend instead!

    You’ve definitely sparked some interesting ideas. Thanks for being brave and sharing your feelings!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. vaniheart says:

    Well that’s so true😅😅😅 my blogging and real life persona is very different and I am kind of like you in this one……

    Ps- I see you are of giving nature, so a chocolate bar won’t hurt me 😉😉😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nehal Jain says:

      I want barfiiiiii 😩

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Nehal Jain says:

    Look, you’re not an imposter. Sometimes I’ve felt that I doubted my own personality, whether I was actually what people called me or it was all just a part of omebody else, so I get what worries you here. But I can tell you you’re not an imposter. If you’re different here from who you are in person, it doesn’t make you an imposter. Everybody has mood swings. Like I’m a totally different person in my own head, totally different also in ways as to who I am with, but I’ve come to realize that even if I’m not who I am in person on the blogging world, this is also ME. It’s just a rather different of me, another part of me. And I guess same goes for you.

    Hope this helped, twas a long comment after all, so youre welcome 😎.
    Anyways, amazing post!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I hate to send you spiraling HP but you still seem pretty great and very human 💖 Some of my in person negative traits are: controlling, judgmental, perfectionist, when I’m hormonal forget it I’m dark and impatient and humorless. Thanks for sharing, I still like you though!! And I can’t wait to read your friend’s post wow! 🪴🪴🪴

    Liked by 1 person

  7. utahan15 says:

    rockin your aria
    the need to feel good about yesself
    and yet true goals
    not so clear
    when will they be
    ???????????????

    Like

  8. Rishika Jain says:

    This is so so relatable. I feel we’re all just trying to find ourselves, and our way in the world. And no, that does not make you an imposter, looking for yourself and changing. I know it might feel like it at times, I feel it too, but shouldn’t we all get a change to find out who we are?
    Hope this helps:)))

    Oh and , I don’t like compliments either, sometimes. I don’t hate them, but I feel I start questioning them at times, and asking AM I REALLY deserving of this; anyone can do this.
    Maybe this happens because we’re still not the person we want to be.
    Anywho, love this post, HP (wait, can I call you that?)… 💓

    Like

  9. Hi how are you? I could relate a lot to this blog post! I felt that my personality changed a lot as well during the past year as well. I am also always competitive! Thanks for sharing, and feel free to read some of my latest blogs 🙂

    Like

  10. I actually think my blogging self is more the real me than the person I am in real life. Is that weird?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Pavithra says:

      Nope!!! You are not alone 😪

      Liked by 2 people

  11. https://tamarakulish.com/ says:

    Imposter syndrome is another way of saying we struggle to accept ourselves. We’re all a work in progress. Sometimes we feel confident and sometimes we doubt ourselves. This is very normal, particularly for those of us (I’m speaking for myself as I can’t speak for anyone else), who have come from pasts where we were criticized, for we internalized even more doubt.

    I have found I needed to work on my self acceptance. I found that the more I gave myself grace to simply be me, the better I felt about myself.

    None of us is quite like another person. We are each an expression of the changes we make in ourselves and the ways we accept the light and shadow sides. We fear our shadows for we fear they are worse than they actually are. We fear our strengths because we fear they don’t truly belong to us when they do.

    I have found that Simply practicing acceptance and giving ourselves grace has become the way I connect with my strength and walk away from anxiety!

    Blessings!

    Like

  12. I think I am different on the blog because I get to show up with my innermost authentic thoughts … something I cannot fully show up with with a lot of people. Eventually it is all coming together with me becoming a more integrated and skilled person at living who I truly am.

    Like

  13. Simon says:

    Appreciate your boldness to write about who you really are, and what’s wrong, as this is the right thing one should be doing. Being REAL. When you accept the real “I” shows your amount of self love. Your post enlightened me 😇

    Like

  14. akshita1776 says:

    I relate to this.
    It sometimes feels like there are 2 minds inside my head and I am questioning why I did that? Or is that really me?
    We are all doing the same thing, discovering ourselves. Very insightful and earnest post, Di

    Like

  15. This is relatable
    Surprisingly am more open behind the screen than in person. Am able to express myself more with words than in person
    Ohh I also Hate compliments – I do accept them when I get them but I just don’t like them also. It’s something which my peers have noticed. I love complementing others though😆😆😆

    Like

  16. Imposter Syndrome is super relatable in both a personality sense as well as for extremely specific aspects of life. I often feel like an imposter whenever I’m celebrated for anything- a good grade, a blogging achievement or even just basic wins.

    Like

  17. I love how you are able to recognize your fixed traits vs variable traits – that’s very introspective of you. It sounds like we have alot in common, especially about coming off as unfriendly in real life. I totally get that too. Makes you so relatable to me! Maybe that’s why I love reading your posts so much. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Sanjeev says:

    Good post & appreciate your openness in expressing the thoughts. In case you need any professional help, let me know. My wife is a psychologist & might be able to help you sort it out.

    Like

  19. Shahrin says:

    What you consider to be your not-so-likable-traits is what makes you so relatable and lovable. A lot of struggle with compliments -its only human. I love your about-me posts, they always feels like a giant hug with a cup of tea ❤

    Flirt huh? Mine goes as far as 'hi -how are you'

    Like

  20. I actually took a hiatus from my blog a few months ago because I also felt a little Imposter Syndrome. People always comment with positive replies and it can feel like it doesn’t really match up with who you really are. And, yes, maybe followers don’t often see a blogger’s bad side – but know that the good parts that we do see are still you. Not seeing all of a person’s negative traits doesn’t invalidate their positive ones. Never forget that as you continue to blog. I am struck by your honesty – you really are an amazing blogger.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Happy Panda says:

      Aww, thank you so much for your kind words.🤗

      I have this weird urge everytime somebody praises me to negate their praise by telling them something bad about myself. I’m trying to work on that now. 🙈

      Liked by 1 person

  21. libbnewton says:

    Ohh. I know exactly how you feel! I seem to feel like an imposter often, especially at work. Also, if I’m around people that have their shit together and take a lot less meds than I do, I down play or avoid any topic of mental illness. I feel FINE around them.
    I’m really honest in my blog. I can be because I write under a different name. Oh I’m sure someone could figure it out but for what purpose. What I never thought about was you are right, this is a one-sided conversation. I can state my feelings but that’s about it. Sharing and showing are much different.

    Like

  22. Think you might appreciate this article from my blog. There’s also one on anxiety vs worry. Keep writing! 😊

    Ditch Your Inner Bully
    http://mentallyspeaking.blog/2019/12/01/ditch-your-inner-bully/

    Like

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